When people spend a lot of time together – whether in work, personally or both – all sorts of issues can creep into the relationship that get in the way of working well together long term. Little things other people do over time become big things. And, our ability to ignore them becomes more challenged the longer and closer we are.
It is not a good idea to let these frustrations with other people fester. Left undealt with this can lead to people quitting their jobs, divorce, etc. How can you prevent the worst from happening? Communicate honestly!
Here is a simple model you can use to be in a solid relationship with others in your life. The basis of this model is the person that has an issue just needs the other person to hear and acknowledge their issue. The magic happens once a person says what’s on their mind and feels heard. Most of the time it does not need anything more than that. Here is the script:
Person with the issue starts:
· “I have an issue I’d like to clear with you. Is now a good time? (If not now, agree on a time.)
· “The specific facts are …” (Recordable facts; not judgments)
· “I make up a story that…” or “I make this mean…” (I think…; In my opinion …; My judgment is…)
· “I feel…” (sad, angry, scared, ashamed, guilty, excited, numb, happy…)
· “My part in this is …” (Your role in creating or sustaining the issue)
· “And I specifically want…”
Other person reflects back:
· “Let me see if I understand you…” (Reflect or paraphrase without interpretation; Goal: seek to truly understand without rebuttal.)
· (After reflecting, ask) “Is that accurate?” (If not, reflect again.)
· “Is there more?” (This is a crucial question. Ask in a kind, genuine, curious, want-to-be-in-relationship voice.)
· “Are you clean about this?” (If “yes,” you’re done!)
One last thing. If an apology is sought or needed, just saying sorry does not cut it. There has to be action to back it up or it is meaningless. The best way to do that is, “I’m truly sorry. What can I do to make this right with you?” You do not have to agree to the action and/or can negotiate it. But if an agreement is made on an action, you better do it.
This takes practice and discipline. If it does not work out the first time, keep at it. And a final note – this is not a conflict resolution model. It is just to get issues off your chest so they do not fester in you and sour a relationship. True conflict requires different tools and skills to deal with effectively.
“Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world.” – George Bernard Shaw
“Being honest may not get you a lot of friends but it’ll always get you the right ones.” – John Lennon
#ForumSensei