Are you clear?

When people spend a lot of time together – whether in work, personally or both – all sorts of issues can creep into the relationship that get in the way of working well together long term.  Little things other people do over time become big things.  And, our ability to ignore them becomes more challenged the longer and closer we are.

It is not a good idea to let these frustrations with other people fester.  Left undealt with this can lead to people quitting their jobs, divorce, etc.  How can you prevent the worst from happening?  Communicate honestly!  

Here is a simple model you can use to be in a solid relationship with others in your life.  The basis of this model is the person that has an issue just needs the other person to hear and acknowledge their issue.  The magic happens once a person says what’s on their mind and feels heard.  Most of the time it does not need anything more than that.  Here is the script: 

Person with the issue starts:

·         “I have an issue I’d like to clear with you. Is now a good time? (If not now, agree on a time.)

·         “The specific facts are …” (Recordable facts; not judgments) 

·         “I make up a story that…” or “I make this mean…” (I think…; In my opinion …; My judgment is…) 

·         “I feel…” (sad, angry, scared, ashamed, guilty, excited, numb, happy…)

·         “My part in this is …” (Your role in creating or sustaining the issue) 

·         “And I specifically want…” 

Other person reflects back: 

·         “Let me see if I understand you…” (Reflect or paraphrase without interpretation; Goal: seek to truly understand without rebuttal.)

·         (After reflecting, ask) “Is that accurate?” (If not, reflect again.)

·         “Is there more?” (This is a crucial question. Ask in a kind, genuine, curious, want-to-be-in-relationship voice.)

·         “Are you clean about this?” (If “yes,” you’re done!)

One last thing.  If an apology is sought or needed, just saying sorry does not cut it.  There has to be action to back it up or it is meaningless.  The best way to do that is, “I’m truly sorry.  What can I do to make this right with you?”  You do not have to agree to the action and/or can negotiate it.  But if an agreement is made on an action, you better do it.

This takes practice and discipline.  If it does not work out the first time, keep at it.  And a final note – this is not a conflict resolution model.  It is just to get issues off your chest so they do not fester in you and sour a relationship.  True conflict requires different tools and skills to deal with effectively.

“Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world.” – George Bernard Shaw

“Being honest may not get you a lot of friends but it’ll always get you the right ones.” – John Lennon

#ForumSensei

Are you easy?

This is not a pickup line!  Specifically, how easy are you to do business and/or work with?  There is a lot of competition out there.  For clients, for jobs and for employees.  Most people like easy and convenient.  If you are difficult, why should I deal with you?  If there are 5 other people willing to do the job waiting in the wings and you are a pain, why not go with someone else?  It’s all about reducing friction.

In the 1920’s the Southland Ice Company, which sold big blocks of ice for iceboxes (think ancient pre-electricity refrigerators), started stocking basic items like milk and bread.  Customers loved the “convenience” of the one-stop-shopping even though the items cost a little more, and thus convenience stores were born!  That company is now known as 7-Eleven.  It was an entire business based on the concept of reducing customer friction.

We deal with this constantly with our clients.  The knowledge that if we make things too difficult, cause too many problems or accumulate too much of anything on the negative side of the “relationship ledger” they will dump us for another contractor with a snap of their fingers.  It is something we take proactive step to manage, including constantly asking them how we are doing, as any good company should.

Reducing friction applies not just to customers but to the people that work for and with us.  One aspect is how easy is it for employees to deal with the company – from applying for a job to the ease of getting paid and complication of procedures and hoops they are asked to jump through.  Another, more important aspect are the interpersonal relationships with each other.  In other words, are you easy or a pain to deal with?  It’s a good question to think about and an even better one to ask the people you work with.  Once you have identified where you cause the most friction with others.  Focus on improving those areas.

“If you’re interested you’ll do what is convenient; if you’re committed, you’ll do what it takes.” – John Asseraf

#ForumSensei

Perception is 9/10th of the Law!

Have you ever heard  the saying that “possession is 9/10ths of the law”?  It is an expression that means ownership is easier to maintain if one has possession of something or is difficult to enforce if one does not.  While it is not literally true in a legal sense, in the Hatfield–McCoy feud (remember that famous family feud?), with testimony evenly divided, the doctrine that possession is nine-tenths of the law caused Floyd Hatfield to retain possession of the pig that the McCoys claimed was their property.  

A similar saying can be applied to our working relationships with people, except it goes “perception is 9/10ths of a relationship”.  How people perceive you dramatically affects the way they will treat you, their loyalty to you, the amount of trust in the relationship, and your ability to successfully work with them to accomplish something.  So, how do you give others a good perception of you?  For me, it’s an easy rule of three – Respect, honesty and consistency. 

1.       Treat people with respect.  Something wasn’t done or done right?  You’re frustrated and angry?  Step outside, take a deep breath and count to ten.  This is the workplace; we are all professionals here.  There is never a good reason to disrespect someone else, belittle them or make them feel bad, no matter what.  One thing that helps me is I see all mistakes, problems and issues as something wrong with the PROCESS, not with the PERSON, and an opportunity to improve.  FYI - It’s a lot harder to get angry at a process than a person.

2.       Be honest with people.  If people know you are straight with them – and that’s your reputation – you build trust and you build loyalty.  They will trust your word and be more likely to follow your lead and excuse a mistake if you make one.  Part of this is don’t make promises you cannot keep.  That is an important part of being honest – with other people and yourself.   Besides, I find the older I get, the more my memory is challenged!  I don’t want to have to remember – or rely on my memory for – what I tell people.  If you don’t lie, you don’t have to remember what lie you told.

3.       Be consistent.  People are resistant to change.  Having someone that is predictable and solid to depend on is comforting to most people.  It allows them to know what to expect and how to coordinate getting their part done when working with someone else.  And think of this…which “me” are you going to trust is the real me?  The one that is nice to you 10% of the time, or that yells at you 90% of the time?

And remember one thing, like it or not, we are always aware of and judging the actions of those around us, even of those actions are not directed at us. 

“Your smile is your logo, your personality is your business card, how you leave others feeling after having an experience with you becomes your trademark.” - Jay Danzie

#ForumSensei