Tell Me More.

Of all our communication skills, the art of listening is the most important.  Wait…what did you just say?  I was checking a text, I missed that.  Of all our communication skills, the art of listening is the most important. 

If you are not fully listening to a conversation, you can miss important information you need to do your job or about the other person, and it can send the message that you just don’t care – which is the kiss of death if you send that message to one of your employees or a customer or a Forum-mate, or god forbid your spouse!.

Listening shows you care, fully listening without other distractions shows how much.  Listening also prevents the dreaded assumptions that plague our communications and create misunderstandings that take even more energy to resolve.  (You know why you should not ass-u-me, right?  If you do, you make an ass out of you and me!)

The best way to be a better listener is to be aware of what that means, what prevents people from being better at it, and what some of the red flags are you can look out for.  Here are some things to think about to make sure you and the person you are communicating with are really listening:

Why No One is Listening?

1.       People are too busy

2.       People are too concerned about themselves

3.       People assume they already know what the others would say

4.       People think giving advice is more important than showing understanding

5.       People sometimes forget that everyone needs to be heard, no matter how mentally strong he/she is

6.       People are preparing what they’re going to say in their heads when others are speaking

7.       When we’re taught listening skills, it’s usually about listening exams, but not about real daily conversations

8.       Everyone is so eager to be heard

9.       Listening is not easy at all

10.   Very few people realize that they need to really learn about listening

 

What Not to Say if You Really Want to Listen.

1.       “You shouldn’t feel like that…”

2.       “I had similar experience!”

3.       “It’s not a good way to…”

4.       “I know what you’re going to say…”

5.       “That’s just normal, nothing to be surprised about.”

6.       “Cheer up!”

7.       “You’re thinking too much…”

8.       “I think you should…”

9.       “Why didn’t you…”

10.   “That’s not important anymore, don’t think about that.”

  

Traits of a Good Listener.

  1. They egg people on: A good listener encourages you to dive into greater detail and connect the dots on your own. A good listener would egg you on by suggesting that you “Go on…” And they ask revealing questions to get to the source of your frustrations, concerns, and excitement. This helps build a “deeper base of engagement”.

  2. They urge clarification: A good listener helps you explore underlying issues about something, rather than you simply using vague descriptors like “It’s nice” or “I’m so fed up with my job.” They help you dig way below the surface to find what about that thing is particularly “nice” or makes you “fed up.”

  3. They don’t moralize: A good listener doesn’t get all judgmental about what you say, even if it’s against the norm or status quo. They recognize and accept your follies, making you feel like you can be honest.

  4. They separate disagreement from criticism: A good listener can disagree with you without making the exchange feel hostile or showing disrespect.

 

What do you recognize in yourself?  What do you recognize in others?

 

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” – Stephen R. Covey

“Your ears will never get you into trouble.” – Frank Tyger

#ForumSensei

Never Better Than Your Basics.

In the martial arts classes I teach, students always hear me talk about constantly “honing the knife” by practicing our basic kicks, punches, blocks and stances – ad nauseam.  Anyone observing a typical class there will see even the master-ranked black belts spending the majority of class repeatedly practicing the basics they first learned as white belts.  For one very good reason….you are NEVER better than your basics.  If you cannot hold a basic stance, you will always be off balance, not move properly and have no power.  If you cannot execute a punch properly, you will hurt yourself and have no power behind your attack.  Fancy techniques and years training cannot overcome poor basics.

This same principle applies in the other areas of our lives, like business and Forum.  We are never better than our basics.  No matter how smart we are, how much we know about the industry or our customer, how good our work product is – if we constantly drop balls on the simple basics, we will have trouble achieving excellence.  What are the “basics” in business and life?  Here is what I think:  COMMUNICATION, BEHAVIOR and COMMITMENTS!

COMMUNICATION – Being clear, concise and honest in our communication is critical in life. If you are not clear with what you ask for or never ask for it, how can you blame others when you don’t get what you want?Nothing causes confusion or missed expectations more than poor communication.

BEHAVIOR – Be respectful… always. Nothing kills relationships more than disrespectful behavior. And, there is absolutely no justification for it.

COMMITMENTS – The only think you have in this world is your word and integrity. If you say you are going to do something.. do it. If you are not sure you can do it… don’t say you will. It’s that simple.

And in a world where there are a lot of things that we cannot control (and we lose focus on things we have no control over all the time), these three things are completely in our control.

 

“With good basics you’ll have endless options.” – Anon.

“Success is nothing more than a few simple disciplines, practiced every day.” – Jim Rohn

#ForumSensei