What is conflict? Most of us would define it by the ugly behaviors we see – loud voices, yelling, disagreement, sometimes it gets physical – or, by how it makes us feel – uncomfortable, angry, frustrated, scared. The reality is that this type of conflict is the very small minority. We experience conflict regularly, every day, in usually very safe and non-threatening ways – deciding where to go to dinner with someone, solving a problem as a team, taking care of a customer issue, working out your priorities for the day with your supervisor. None of these things have to feel or act like the kind of “conflict” above.
So, how do I define conflict? It is when two or more people are discussing something – anything – and there is more than one opinion. Simple as that. No yelling. No red in the face. No animated gestures (and certainly no fistfights). Just…more than one opinion.
The risks of “fight” or “flight”:
The dangers of “fight” – the ugly kind of conflict – is pretty straight forward. When you don’t treat people with respect, you risk losing them. They shut down and eventually they leave for a better, less stressful environment. It also leads to anger. When you’re really angry, you don’t tend to think very well, leading to poor decision (just watch any episode of Cops).
Dangers of “flight” – conflict avoidance – is twofold. (1) You will never get what you want, and you’ll be miserable – If you always back down or never speak up how will anyone ever know what you want? And, you won’t ever get what you want. Worse, you’ll get angry at the other person for “always getting their way”, when in fairness, it’s your fault for not speaking up, not theirs. (2) You risk settling for an inferior decision. Dialog & discussion are good things. Having more than one opinion and perspective leads to better decision and fewer mistakes. Two heads (or more) are better than one……
Things to do:
If you are a fighter….learn to take a deep breath and count to 10. Often we can get to the solution quicker by taking the strong emotions out of it.
If you are an avoider….learn that your opinion counts. And if you feel un-safe sharing your opinion with someone, create “rules of engagement” or “rules of disagreeing”. Having an agreed way of communicating in advance with someone is a great way to encourage dialog around differences of opinion.
“Conflict is unavoidable. Combat is optional.” - Max Lucado (author and preacher)
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