Of all our communication skills, the art of listening is the most important. Wait…what did you just say? I was checking a text, I missed that. Of all our communication skills, the art of listening is the most important.
If you are not fully listening to a conversation, you can miss important information you need to do your job or about the other person, and it can send the message that you just don’t care – which is the kiss of death if you send that message to one of your employees or a customer or a Forum-mate, or god forbid your spouse!.
Listening shows you care, fully listening without other distractions shows how much. Listening also prevents the dreaded assumptions that plague our communications and create misunderstandings that take even more energy to resolve. (You know why you should not ass-u-me, right? If you do, you make an ass out of you and me!)
The best way to be a better listener is to be aware of what that means, what prevents people from being better at it, and what some of the red flags are you can look out for. Here are some things to think about to make sure you and the person you are communicating with are really listening:
Why No One is Listening?
1. People are too busy
2. People are too concerned about themselves
3. People assume they already know what the others would say
4. People think giving advice is more important than showing understanding
5. People sometimes forget that everyone needs to be heard, no matter how mentally strong he/she is
6. People are preparing what they’re going to say in their heads when others are speaking
7. When we’re taught listening skills, it’s usually about listening exams, but not about real daily conversations
8. Everyone is so eager to be heard
9. Listening is not easy at all
10. Very few people realize that they need to really learn about listening
What Not to Say if You Really Want to Listen.
1. “You shouldn’t feel like that…”
2. “I had similar experience!”
3. “It’s not a good way to…”
4. “I know what you’re going to say…”
5. “That’s just normal, nothing to be surprised about.”
6. “Cheer up!”
7. “You’re thinking too much…”
8. “I think you should…”
9. “Why didn’t you…”
10. “That’s not important anymore, don’t think about that.”
Traits of a Good Listener.
They egg people on: A good listener encourages you to dive into greater detail and connect the dots on your own. A good listener would egg you on by suggesting that you “Go on…” And they ask revealing questions to get to the source of your frustrations, concerns, and excitement. This helps build a “deeper base of engagement”.
They urge clarification: A good listener helps you explore underlying issues about something, rather than you simply using vague descriptors like “It’s nice” or “I’m so fed up with my job.” They help you dig way below the surface to find what about that thing is particularly “nice” or makes you “fed up.”
They don’t moralize: A good listener doesn’t get all judgmental about what you say, even if it’s against the norm or status quo. They recognize and accept your follies, making you feel like you can be honest.
They separate disagreement from criticism: A good listener can disagree with you without making the exchange feel hostile or showing disrespect.
What do you recognize in yourself? What do you recognize in others?
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” – Stephen R. Covey
“Your ears will never get you into trouble.” – Frank Tyger
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