How to Win an Argument

Dale Carnegie said that the only way to get the best of an argument was to avoid it.  He was a very smart man. 

I suppose the title of this post is a little misleading because the fact is you really can’t win an argument.  You may be able to use your words to beat someone into submission.  You may be able to force someone to comply with your wishes.  And you may be able to make someone feel stupid and defeated.  But you didn’t actually “win” anything. 

Arguing with someone to prove your point simply proves you lacked the communication skills to help someone else see things your way…willingly.

There will always be disagreements in relationships, whether business or personal, because when more one than one person is involved there is a good chance you will have more than one opinion. 

Here are a few ideas for lessening the chance a disagreement turns argumentative:  

• Listen carefully to what the other person is saying.  If the first word out of your mouth when the other person stops talking is “but” then I just about guarantee that you were listening to respond instead of listening to understand.  If you don’t understand what they said or meant then ask… nicely. 

• Explain your views clearly.  You don’t like guessing what the other person is thinking so don’t make them guess either.

• Stay on topic.  Don’t introduce new differences and most certainly don’t try to rehash old ones.

• No cheap shots.  If you value the relationship, perhaps you should not use something cheap when trying to save something valuable from permanent damage. 

When a discussion escalates into an argument, everybody loses something.  Don’t lose by arguing, and never fool yourself into thinking that you’ve won. 

“The volume of your voice does not increase the validity of your argument.”  – Steve Maraboli

“Arguing isn’t communication, it’s noise.” – Tony Gaskins

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Listen Up!

Active listening is the most important communication skill we can cultivate. 

What is it?  Simply, it’s focusing everything I have - my mind, body and heart - on paying attention to you when you are talking with me.  Completely.

Listening to what you say, to how you say it and to what your body is doing.  Only 7% of communication is verbal.  The rest is body language and the tone of your voice.

Listening to how my body is reacting and what I am feeling when listening to you.  We have these wonderful things called mirror neurons that will mimic what we are sensing around us (just yawn in a crowded room and watch what happens) and can give us clues to what’s happening with the person we are listening to.

Listening to what your intent is.  Did I really understand what you meant or did I make my own assumptions.  We hate the unknown and will make up stories to fill in the blanks, but they are not the other persons truth.

When others perceive you as a good listener, they become more engaged in the dialog with you.  It also is a show of respect to the other person.  Both of these things drive improved communication and relationships. 

There is one component of listening in particular that can improve our active listening and help make us better communicators:

Did you ever notice that the word LISTEN contains the same letters as the word SILENT?  On the surface it seems pretty straight forward.  If I keep talking, I cannot be listening to you.  So if I want to listen to you, I need to shut up! On a deeper level, if I am thinking about how I am going to respond to you, I am not fully paying attention to what you are saying either and I am not listening to understand. 

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intend to reply.” – Stephen R. Covey

“I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything.  So if I am going to learn, I must do it by listening.” – Larry King

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Drama, The Bermuda Triangle of Avoidance

Drama is the struggle with others and yourself to feel justified in the actions you take.  The image is called the dependency triangle.  It shows three dysfunctional roles that people typically fall into that create conflict, drama and perpetuate avoiding accountability – the VICTIM, the PERSECUTOR, and the RESCUER. 

The victim’s stance is “poor me.”  They feel like they have no control, that they are being attacked, are unable to make decisions, and that everyone and everything is out to get them.  They seek out the other two to perpetuate their negative feelings.

The persecutor insists, “it is all your fault!”  They are controlling, blaming, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritative, rigid and superior.  They face their negative feelings by taking them out on others.

The rescuer’s line is “let me help you.”  They are the classic enabler.  They want to solve everyone else’s problems and make everyone else get along, even when no one is asking for help or there is no problem to solve.  They do this to avoid their own anxiety and issues.

These three roles are codependent and need each other to feel justified and avoid accountability.  If my son can make me out to be the villain for taking away his car keys, and I make him out to be an irresponsible teenager, then both of us feel justified.  And, the end result is that nothing changes in behaviors or attitudes.  The circus repeats itself.  Sound familiar?  Worse, like finds like and groups of people in similar roles find each other, gossip and perpetuate the drama.  Not good for anyone. 

So how do we break out of this cycle?  Here are some ideas to think of:

1.       Be a coach instead of a rescuer by asking questions to guide people to their own answers and asking permission to help first before you do. 

2.       Be a creator instead of a victim by being outcome-oriented instead of problem-oriented and taking incremental steps towards the outcome you want.

3.       View a persecutor as a challenger instead by changing your perspective on what they are doing – they are helping you clarify your needs and focus on learning and growth.  Look for the silver linings. 

4.       Don’t accept invitations to join the drama – Compromise is OK, but don’t give in on your boundaries or principles.  Don’t give unsolicited advice.  Don’t make threats or ultimatums.

Compassionate accountability turns conflict from a distraction into a resource.  Do you avoid or accept accountability?

“Drama does not just walk into your life.  Either you create it, invite it or associate with it.”  – Anon.

“When you point the finger you miss the point.” – Bruce D. Schneiner

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