The Good Question

Here’s a haiku for you: 

Tell less and ask more.

Your advice is not as good

As you think it is.  

This is from The Coaching Habit by Michael Stanier.  The essence of the book is that good coaching will reduce other’s over-dependence on us, help prevent us from becoming overwhelmed, and prevent us from becoming disconnected from the things that really matter. And the way to do this?  Not by giving orders…  Ask more (good) questions!

There are 7 questions in the book.  The first 3 form a robust script for a coaching conversation.  They are the Kickstart Questions:

1. “What’s on your mind?” – A perfect way to start.  The question is open but focused.  Focus on the 3 “P’s” – Projects (stuff they are working on), People (relationships with the people they are dealing with to get stuff done and their role in it), and Patterns (their behaviors and ways of working that they want to change).

2. Then keep asking “And what else?” to give them a chance to share additional concerns (and feel they were heard). 

3. “What’s the real challenge here for you?” – This is the $1 Million dollar question.  This draws out what is really getting in the way of resolving their issue.  Don’t be afraid to follow up with “And what else?” here a few times.  Sometime the real issue is not always the first one and does not surface right away.  You want them getting to the underlying cause, not the symptom to truly have a lasting impact. 

“Answers are closed rooms; and questions are open doors that invite us in.” – Nancy Willard

“Without a good question, a good answer has no place to go.” – Clayton Christensen

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Is it Safe?

5 time per second, at an unconscious level, your brain is scanning the environment around you and asking itself, “Is it safe here?  Or, is it dangerous.” 

For optimal function and good working relationships, our brain wants safe environments.  Humans are predisposed to see danger everywhere – a survival skill developed over millions of years of evolution – which puts us into flight or fight mode.  When we are in that mode, we are not the best at creative/strategic thinking or exploring issues that require vulnerability.  We are not in a calm state of mind. 

When having meetings – working sessions, coaching sessions, briefings, etc. – setting up the environment for safety can improve the outcomes you are looking for. 

There are four categories our brain is looking for to figure out if things are safe or not.  Use these to dial in the safety factor of your next interaction:

• Tribe – Are you with me or against me?

• Expectation – Is what’s going to happen next clear or not?  Or, an I facing an unknown.

• Rank – Do I perceive you to be of more, less, or of similar importance than I am?

• Autonomy – Do I get a say or don’t I?

“Psychological safety is a belief that one will not be punished or humiliated for speaking up with ideas, questions, concerns or mistakes.” - Amy Edmondson

“Safety doesn’t happen by accident.” - Anon

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Just the Facts

Any time two or more people are involved in anything, communication challenges can surface – just ask anyone who is married, or has kids, or a sibling, or best friends, or co-workers… 

The things we say can be categorized 3 ways:

1. Facts – These are recordable and verifiable things not open to interpretation.  They are objective.  “Here’s what happened” statements.  You arrived 7 minutes late.  Today is Tuesday.  It’s raining.

2. Judgements – These are conclusions you make or opinions you have about things and people around you.  They are subjective.  “I think” or “In my opinion” statements.  I think Joe was late because…  In my opinion, Ann doesn’t care about her work because…  Judgements are about YOU and the way YOU think, not the other person or even reality.  YOU own your judgments.  Often they get in the way of, and get confused with, the facts.  Be explicit when you are stating judgments.

3. Feelings – These are how you feel.  Again, they have nothing to do with the other person, just what is going on inside you.  You own them.  I feel disrespected...  I feel frustrated…  I feel excited…  They are not facts and don’t relate to them.  They are typically triggered by a judgement you make.

When communicating, all three have a role to play especially when dealing with feedback, constructive criticism, and conflict resolution.  Being clear and stating what is what when communicating can make your conversations much easier.

“Your opinion is your opinion, your perception is your perception.  Do not confuse them with ‘facts’ or ‘truths’.” – John Moore

“What you see and hear depends a great deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what sort of person you are.” – C.S. Lewis

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